I am so happy to be a mom. It seems to be the most natural thing I have every done. From day one and the first hug it seemed to be exactly what I was meant to be. I did not expect it to be this easy to make such a huge transition in my life. I thought it would be emotionally difficult for me. Not so, I love what I do. I have a purpose and I feel a sense of accomplishment everyday. I love cooking, cleaning, and laundry because I have the time to do it. It still gets backed up at times, but it is not overwhelming. I am learning to say "no" to many of the extra activities I was formerly invovled in. That does not bother me so much. Although, I do feel that my friends may be disappointed that I cannot spend as much time with them. I know that this will change as the kids get more settled and I am able to leave them more. I am however, committed to spending as much time with them as possible during this first year especially. I think the hardest thing is not getting to go places with my husband that I have always gone. We have always done things together and now we have to divide and do things separately - which is working well. He has been great. He does the grocery shopping and helps with anything that I need him to do. We have become a great team. He cooks breakfast. I do the lunches and get the kids dressed. He helps with dishes and entertains while I cook supper. We both do bath and bed time. So far, it is working like a well oiled machine. (As long as we stick to the schedule.)
The things we like to do are bike riding as a family, long walks to the neighbor's pond to see the geese and watch our dog Gal chase them into the water, visit the neighbor's miniture horses, ride bikes with our neighbor's son, Christian, and jump on the trampoline. We talk about the animals and plants as we walk and say their names in English. We come home and look at animal pictures on the computer and talk about the ones that live here in Mississippi. We told Diana that there are aligators in MS and showed her a picture on the computer. Today she did not want to go see the geese. We finally figured out why. She was afraid of the "Crocodiles" in the pond. We had to convince her that there were none in that pond. Convincing Diana of anything is a great accomplishment. She does not trust anything you tell her. She has to see or experience it herself before she will believe it.
The most frustrating thing for me is dealing with selfishness and ungratefulness. I wonder how children who have had nothing, can expect everything and not be happy with anything. It seems like the more you do the less they appreciate it. Were they spoiled in their foster homes? I don't know. Parents, is this a kid thing or is it unique to their situation as adopted kids? I need some advice. My mom was very serious about us being polite and making sure we acted appropriately, saying thank you and showing our appreciation for what anyone did for us. I have never seen children get something new and complain that someone got more or that it wasn't good enough. "Where are the other gifts?" He got four things and I got three so I will cry and throw a fit. So much for, "Thank you mommy. I love my new clothes or toys." They end up getting in trouble and ruining any pleasure they could get from their new things. Suggestions welcome.
The Lohrstorfers Now
The Lohrstorfers Before
Chris and Mary
Home for Christmas
Come Home for Christmas
Christmas 2008
5 comments:
I have noticed the same thing with my grandchildren and others I have worked with. Children who have not had nurturing parents seem to be less grateful for what they receive. It seems to me that without the confidence in their parents love, nothing seems to satisfy the emptiness. Be patient, don't let them make you feel guilty, model the appropriate behavior, and expect the best from them. It will get better !
I came to the conclusion that our kids just didn't know how to be grateful. I also believe it has to do with their past and not having been taught to be grateful for what little they did have.
We have been working on teaching our kids to be grateful by NOT giving them a lot of things, making them earn things instead of just handing it to them, and teaching them the value of a dollar and what you have to do to get a dollar (work!). All these things they will need to know in the "real world". (Even our 12 year old came to us with no concept of money, but he caught on quick!)
I believe it is my job to get them ready for that day when it is time to leave the nest (and since our kids are older, I feel a lot of pressure to get that done in a compressed time frame). I don't think it is my job to pity them and feel sorry for them and try to "make up for" all the things that happened to them earlier in life.
Do I cringe inside when they tell me stories about their lives in Colombia? Of course I do, but nothing I could ever buy them would make up for any of that. What they really need is someone to direct their path in life, as Mom (or Dad) - that's my job.
Keep plugging, it will take some time for them to come around, but you have to help them understand how to be grateful.
Thank you guys for the great advice. That gives me some insight on how to be proactive in this process. You are right in that they have no concept of what is appropriate. Diana is very aware of people and how they act. She watches people and she mimics their behavior. This gives me hope. We had some female college students come to the house for lunch one Sunday. They are from Central and South America. Diana watched everything they did and was on her best behavior. She sat up in her chair, ate slowly, and if she so much as clinked her fork on the plate she appologized. I told the girls, "She is watching you and she is on her best behavior for you." I know that as communication gets better we will be able to express more expections to them.
I think Anne is right, they just don't know how to react. After 2 1/2 years our are getting better at saying please and thank you at the appropriate times. They share much better with each other. I think sometimes before they came to us that is was a "grab what you can get and don't let anyone take it away" attitude. That served them well when they were just trying to survive, but it doesn't work well in a family or society in general. Part of what we are working against too is that many of the kids they interact with have more "things" than they do. Our oldest in particular notices this and is all about electronics and the newest games. We don't have those things by choice, but we do spend tons of time playing and interacting with them. We are trying so hard to teach them about working for what you want and that the things aren't that important. It seems like alot to teach when you are starting out so far behind because they are older.
Keep working at it! You're doing a great job!
Karen
Hi there!
I have another perspective on this that I hope won't offend. We're also adopting a sibling group of two (or three).
First, several social workers and psychiatrists have advised us to have a child therapist in place when we bring our children home so that therapy can begin immediately. Some of the behavior you describe reflects deep-seated insecurities from not having their basic needs met.
What comes across as selfishness and ungratefulness is quite a bit more complicated than that. This is not just typical bad behavior you can reprimand them out of.
On top of this, these children have extremely high expectations of their adoptive parents because they were told about all of the wonderful reasons why they should be happy to be adopted. They are still dealing with grief and other issues that they are trying to assuage the only way they know how--through the stuff they were promised. Again, hope this doesn't offend, but gives you more food for thought from their perspective.
Best to you,
mary
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